Don’t Hurt (or Blame) Yourself…

I’m a serial monogamist. I can count on one hand (or maybe a hand and a half 😉 the number of serious relationships I’ve had. In between those relationships, when I was courting, I used to write letters to the guys I was interested in.


Caption: Me at 17 years old.  I was very Afrocentric. I rocked cowrie shells and an Ankh necklace (similar to the one Bey is wearing in the gif below). 

These letters would basically describe what I liked about the guy, and how I hoped that we could spend more time together.

I remember sending the letters to:

  • At least one popular guy (like, he played on the basketball team, starting lineup)
  • At least two awkward guys (that no one else seemed to really notice)
  • A grown man (who I had no business flirting with)
  • A ladies man (who I just knew I could convince to settle down lol)

I planned whole weddings back then too. I knew what colors our wedding would be (often peach was my primary color of choice), I remember writing my first name with their last names. I was a bridezilla before the word even existed, and in my heart I just hoped that the unsuspecting groom would fall in line.


Caption: The day I cut all of my hair off and started locking. It was a week after my 16th birthday. 

I never received a response back to any of the letters lol. Now back in those days, it was a huge hit to my self-esteem (and ego). I blamed myself, for these guys lack of interest in me.

Now that I’m older I can look back and realize that what was supposed to happen, actually happened. It’s hard to understand when you’re going through something, that what you’re going through is in divine order.

I thought about this because my husband & I were having a conversation, and he jokingly said “You stay with a man…” “Even when you were on the market, you never stayed on the market long. Guys snatch you up!” I laughed, but then reminded him about those letters and those times when I was interested in someone but couldn’t get a response back or couldn’t get their attention.

Plus I was a little different from my peers. I didn’t necessarily hang with the popular crowd, but I wasn’t a total social outcast either. I was kind of nerdy, and I had also moved to Minnesota from Missouri, and a lot of my peers knew each other and had pre-existing relationships and connections. I think I still had my Missouri accent (which is very distinct from the Minnesota accent). Sometimes, a “no” may not have anything to do with you and I later learned that some of the guys were intimidated by me…

As Beyonce would say, “I’m just too much for you…”


I just want to encourage you that the no’s you are experiencing, romantically, professionally or otherwise are either getting you closer to your yes, or they are like bullet proof vests, protecting you from a path that’s not meant for you.


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