The Compulsion of Love
Think about the last time a man told you “I Love You.” Do you think he really meant it or was he saying it because you said it (almost like a gag reflex). Had you put pressure on him by talking about “where the relationship was going,” or were you confused about his feelings for you? A lot of women are walking around with feelings of strong like and a lot of us don’t even know the true meaning of love so we wouldn’t recognize it if we ran into it head first.
Gentleman… Be careful when you utter those three sweet & simple words because a woman hears so much more. “I love you” translates into:
– I want to be with you exclusively.
– I want to live with you.
– I want to have children with you.
– You are important to me.
– I like everything about you.
– I am responsible for your feelings.
– I am going to tell you the truth.
– What’s mine is yours and vice versa.
– I am here to support you.
– I have accepted your flaws and your quirks.
– I will parent your children (even if they aren’t mine).
– It’s not just about sex.
In fact, guys instead of saying I love you to a lady, why not insert the 12 sentences above since that is what we are hearing anyway? I know you may be shocked because you never thought those words translated that way but why else do you think we say “but I thought you loved me” when your actions go against our expectations.
Ladies, the next time a man says those words to you really take them into your mind and reject the initial thoughts that you have. Instead put those words to a test because men will say anything and in some cases do anything to get what they want (which could be sex, money or something else you have to offer).
He is speaking out of compulsion if he says “I love you” prematurely. The premature “I love you” comes before you’ve gone through something that is extremely distressing together.
If you’ve gone through a moment where he was totally vulnerable – an ugly cry, total insecurity or weakness in terms of physical or emotional distress, then he can truly say he loves you.
If you’ve built something together – a business, an organization, or even a home, then he can truly say he loves you.
If he’s sacrificed his own needs or wants including juggling mutiple women or staying out all night because he values your feelings & wants to avoid hurting you – then he can truly say he loves you.
True love is not about the time you’ve been together, although time could be a slight indicator – time alone is never enough. There are couples that stay together for 15 years but break up when the other gets laid off, or when one person gets a terminal illness like cancer or has a stroke. There are couples who are together for two years that experience a stronger & more intense love than those who have been together twice as long.
True love is like a muscle – it has to experience stress & tension in order to truly be developed and get strong. The most challenging time in my marriage was when my husband ran for political office. We were newlyweds. We had to endure financial stress (running for office is very expensive), personal stress (rap groupies have nothing on political groupies) and moral stress (we were literally being pulled in multiple directions & decided to stick to our morals at all costs). We learned so much about ourselves & we learned that no matter what we’d support each other. When people tried to poison us or raise doubt about the others loyalty or character – we fought back ferociously – hand in hand. It was during the campaign that we realized what unconditional love meant & what tying the knot (getting married) meant & it meant that when situations happened & when life pulled our knot, our commitment to one another would get tighter – not looser. We’d gone through other things but the campaign was a microcosm of all the things we could expect to deal with for the rest of our lives. It was like marriage boot camp lol.
Actions ultimately tell the real truth & while love is a feeling – it is also has observable & measurable characteristics.
So the next time you think about saying “I love you” or the next time you hear those words – ask yourself if you’re ready to deal with the emotional weight and responsibility that comes along with uttering those words.