One of my favorite sites to visit is Clutch Magazine. While doing my weekly surf I came across this piece by Leslie Pitterson called “Sexy Won’t Keep Him.” The entire piece is about Christina Milian and other celebrity women who are “drop dead” gorgeous but have relationship problems or “can’t keep a man” [including Halle Berry who is often the uncontested most beautiful woman in every man’s book]. The comments section is full of heat, as women debate the semantics of words like “beautiful and sexy,” and whether it is a woman’s responsibility to keep a man in the first place. But what struck me was the criticism that The Dream is getting because of the average/around the way looking girl he’s supposedly cheating with compared to his pixel perfect wife Christina.
First let me share an excerpt from Pitterson’s piece that I love:
“No more will we ask, ‘Why her?’ We will understand there is no amount of analyzing that can answer our longing. We will not wonder why the one in question wants someone else more than us, and we will stop thinking that we are somehow lacking. We will shoulder our pride to critique and improve ourselves and stop wasting energy trying to demean the next girl. We will point out what we are lacking, what we could have brought more of. Only this time we won’t include anything that will wrinkle or dimple in time. We will include only qualities that we value and traits we ned to nurture more. We will grow within ourselves instead of the blueprints that have failed others. We will accept that we are not meant [to] out-compete for a man’s attention; rather, to draw his devotion with the unfolding complexities of our love. We will stop equating irresistible with unleavable and start trusting our inner beauty to keep a good man.”
Word up! There are women in my man’s life that ask “Why her?” referring to me. What they fail to understand is that to love and to be in love goes beyond the surface of a tight weave, bubble butt and good head. While the cover may make men pick up a book and flip through the pages, the decision to read and finish the book goes far beyond the exterior. Don’t get me wrong, physical appearance matters, and my man believes that I’m the hottest thing smoking (natural hair, curves, flaws & all) but what he loves most about me is that I’m a woman of substance. I too, get my eyebrows arched every two weeks (no cookie monster), get googly eyed over a nice pair of shoes and place great value in looking and smelling good, but at the end of the night, when we retreat to the most intimate place – our home, it matters that we can talk about ANYTHING under the sun (ask me about the time we talked about creating our own planet and discussed how many moons it had, the type of creatures and their features lol OR our most recent debate over how black people react to the police), that we feel supported by each other and most importantly that we can grow and develop into better people together. The people in our lives are either assets or liabilities… there is no gray area and in my relationship we are both huge assets to each other… (cue NeYo… “I’m a movement by myself but I’m a force when we’re together.”).
Don’t get me wrong, I can understand a broken heart and it’s certainly not easy sleeping with one. It’s much easier to find fault with another person than it is oneself. My first love stung me when I realized that he was not only cheating, but had a baby on the way by another chick crushed me. I would have certainly jumped on the chick-bashing bandwagon, except there was only one problem – I didn’t know what she looked like or anything else about her. For a few hours I went into the “What’s wrong with me?” solo until I snapped back into reality and told myself it was his lost. While I insanely and temporarily lost my mind and tried to convince him to stay/that we could work it out, I also understood that she had something that he wanted and that something was strong enough to draw him away from me. Period. Even though I’d never seen her, I knew she was a bad chick. I didn’t degrade her though at all… (that was impossible to do without a visual).
If a woman has a pattern of jumping from one guy to the next and all the guys eventually bail… In Math we call that a pattern. Now we’ve all come across that one who was a true nut job, but all of them can’t be crazy lol. Most of all, it bothers me when a chick tries to literally tear down another chick based on her physical God-given appearance. Even more so when she knows NOTHING about her… smdh!
I honestly want to take Pitterson’s article, print it out and distribute it at bus stops, hair salons and nail shops around the country – a one woman mission to destroy the “WHY HER?!” diatribe that so many get into. I leave you with more words from Pitterson & the wonderful commenters on her site:
“But as women, we need to re-evaluate the time and priority we put toward being what a passing-by man may want. It’s often easier to find an audience than it is to find love.”
“Sexy, sex, sexuality… none of these things can keep a man. The sad reality is women put so much time and work into these three areas,. A man who wants you for more than one night and in his future is not looking for those things off top… he is looking for morals, someone who can raise his kids, a person he can have on his arm, and then those things are on top as toppings and not as the bulk of the ice cream. Yes, be sexy, but be beautiful first… inside and out.”
The next time you hear somebody asking “Why her?” please say “Chile, please!”