How to Love A Black Man

I must give props and respect to Dr. Ronn Elmore who wrote the book How To Love A Black Man. The book was definitely an insightful read for anyone interested in reading about relationships. The book predates the black relationship bible The Conversation and even Steve Harvey’s Act Like A Lady: Think Like A Man.

I love black men. They are strong, resilient, confident, and attractive. They are stylish, courageous, bold and creative. I protect them fiercely and love them unconditionally. If you’re going to fall in love with a black men, there are certain things that you must realize. If you’re single and you want to date a black man, then you may want to consider certain things. The advice that I’m giving is not just based on my personal relationship (with a strong, handsome and brilliant black man) but on the information gathered from ear hustling conversations between male family members and friends. This is how you love a black man:

1. Understand that unlike any other race he has a fierce need to lead and experience some level of control. Black men are emasculated and caricatured in our society. For this reason they are often mistreated and expected to be less intelligent and less competent. The most fulfilling relationships for them are relationships that reaffirm their manhood.

2. There may be commitment issues. Clearly when we look at our low marriage statistics, our community has issues with  long-term commitment. Most black men that I’ve dated had issues committing to one woman for whatever reason usually described as fear of being hurt or fear of hurting. The key here is to be patient and don’t pressure or ultimatum him into doing anything he (or you) might regret. No subliminal “put a ring on it” antics… if you’re the one for him, he’ll take the steps necessary to keep and secure you forever.

3. Be willing to compromise on some things. Most black males over a certain age (say 25 or older) have at least one child. Add charisma and charm and he probably has more than one. You definitely don’t have to get involved in a situation where there is lots of baby mamma drama, but you may have to abandon your dream of the childless man. This is especially true the older you are (or the older he is). Also, many black men have had some run in with the law. Please avoid the Chris Hansons (child predators) but understand that he may have spent some time in jail. Don’t be so quick to dismiss him if he’s abandoned his criminal enterprise and his life is on the right track now. We all have lists right, so be willing to compromise on some things.

4. Brothers love to eat! All men love to eat, but black men really love to eat. Even if you don’t know to cook, at least pick up on some of the basics. You may be blessed to find one of those black men that can “throw down” in the kitchen, but if you don’t, a few culinary skills never hurt anyone. On Twitter I announced that I was writing this blog “How to Love a Black Man,” and one of my black male followers & friends say, “Answer: Rib Tips.” I rest my case.

5. Brothers are charismatic and charming. Everyone from our President, who has an undeniable “swag” – have you SEEN that WALK, to the brother at the bank who cashes our checks – there is something irresistibly attractive about brothers. You have to be pretty secure and understand that it is in their nature to be charismatic and charming (even the quiet ones after you get to know them). This is important to know because if you’re really insecure you may get into a lot of “squabbles” about the fine line between flirtatious and inappropriate. If he was able to catch your eye, you better believe that there are others keeping an eye on him – but as long as your foundation is built on trust and communication, you can navigate through this common problem.

6. Pamper your man! I don’t know where we dropped the ball and started thinking that pampering is only for women. Men love to be pampered to! There is a huge tourist market for black men to travel to Brazil and other South American countries to have these “sex-cations” with women of other races. The common theme in all of those pieces was that the women “catered” to them and made them feel like men. You know how much you like getting your foot rubbed? Rub his feet! Massage his shoulders. Caress his face. Make him dinner and serve it to him. Stop by the store and pick up his favorite candy bar on the way home. Treat him like a King and he’ll treat you like a Queen… pampering is reciprocal…

7. Support him. Ask him about his dreams and his fears. Do some research to help him make something come true (it could be as simple as helping him start a weekly poker night) all the way up to running a business (help him get his Tax ID Number). This also extends to outside of the relationship. DO NOT let anyone speak ill of your man in your presence (especially if you know that person has malicious intent or their grounds/claims are not based on anything factual or logical). Speak positively about him to others. Let him know that you’re in his corner.

Ladies and gents. Did I miss anything?

18 thoughts on “How to Love A Black Man

  1. This is soooo on point, cause everything you suggested is a product of HEALTY functioning LOVE.

    Oh..and it is necessary to pamper and support ur man, he’s your mirror.

    1. @SayGrit That’s the key – healthy functioning love. I love what you said “he’s your mirror.” We are always quick to say a woman is reflective of her man (e.g. that’s why many men like to make sure that their woman always looks good – nice hair, nice nails etc.) but rarely do we say the same about men. Grandmothers are quick to say, “He looks like a ‘kept’ man” lol – meaning he looks like he’s being nurtured and loved lol. Thanks for reading!

  2. This is pretty on point and a really good piece I may add.. #7 is actually really good and commonly overlooked. I always tell people if you can speak negatively of your man to someone else. You are indirectly allowing them to do the same.

  3. That was a wonderful piece… God has blessed me with an awesome Black man and everything mentioned above is so easy to do when you know you have a great man at your side!!! Loves it soror 🙂

  4. Peace Sis,

    This was a beautiful piece you wrote. Thank you for your loving unselfish support on behalf of all black men. Although you have cited some good points, I would say that you should remain optimistic and not focus on too much of the negatives. I for one am a very spiritual (not overtly religious person), however I have never been married, nor to jail, nor do I have any children as I am awaiting for my one Mahagony Queen (my mirror-reflection) with whom to PLAN to have beautiful black children with. Otherwise I am attractive a 5’8″ athletically built 35yr old with ivory white teeth strong charismatic with all of the qualities you listed above. I had 6 blackwoman that I do not even know smile and wink at me just today. I smile at them first often so it often easy getting a nice smile back. So I would hope to say that a black male such as myself is the norm and not the exception. Peace to all of my beautiful loving and supporting black woman.

    1. Peace Panther! Thanks so much for leaving this message and you’re right that we should not focus on the negative. I wrote this piece in response to all of the negative media attention that black males and black relationships were getting. Your experience of women winking & smiling at you is how we SHOULD all treat each other. We are all connected and we’re all family and I’d love to get to a place where black men and women exchange those non-verbal signs of love and support 🙂

  5. Hello, I entered accidentally, but the matter is interesting.

    I am black man born in Africa who now lives in Europe, for this reason is not unknown to me how the black man is stereotyped in certain countries. Then this matter like nice, congratulations.

    So here’s some contribution.

    I start by saying that, every man is and is not the same, white or black. Yes, by the mere fact that we are all humans, male with the same natural desires.
    But different in cultural education, family education, personal desires, motivations … what makes each man white different personalities and habits.
    Speaking of the black man to my knowledge, their attitudes vary from the education, country where they were born or live, ( Some traditional, cultural habits may remain ) then not drawn according man have a child before a relationship (or other issues )defines a black man, though in general tend to be more sexually active.

    Their interest in women: A good portion of black men like white women for several reasons, one much like the black women also for several reasons (highlighting one of them, their typical curves of black women) so black men do not look much for the extra pounds, it means that you do not need to worry about have curves like than a models, If you had some curves more than a top model when you started dating a black man, I say! Not worry about! Of course, you should be healthy and no exaggeration. Of course it is not only the physical counting. But Feeling free to talk about it since it is a problem for some women. On the other hand if you ever had problems treason and is tired of it, then start looking for men who are in the back. Yes. Those who do not excel in self, both those who are not bad boys, the most reserved, responsible. But caution may be the other side of the coin.

    Sorry for some gaffe. English is not my first language.

  6. Sorry I think we as women don’t have to do, just be how we are, I’m not a pleaser, we have to do certain sacrifices for love, but I won’t be my lovers maid. It will be more interesting for him a woman that stands for herself and ask for what she wants.

    1. @Marina, I think there is a difference between making sacrifices and being a “maid.” Everything that I wrote for advice on how to love a black man, should also be reciprocated for how to love a black woman. Ultimately, it’s about happiness, balance and communication!

  7. Well said! I have a wonderful fulfilling commitment relationship with a black man who use to be a street thug. He’s intelligent, funny and full of charm and overflowing with swag! Whew – tons of sexy swag!!!! Therefore, it took a strong confident woman like myself to love him the way he needs. It helps that I want him in my life opposed to needing him in my life. My family loves him dearly and so do I! He is my King!

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