The Unisex Guide To Knowing When You’ve Found The One 

Remember that scene in Love Jones where Larentz Tate aka Darius Lovehall (talk about faces from the back of the milk carton) was telling his homie that “He thought he’d found the one.” His friend Savon said “The one?” And Darius turned it into a big joke. He said, “When that Jones come down, it can be a motha-effer.” So how do you know when you’ve found “the one”? Here are my thoughts:

  1. There is usually some type of resistance in the beginning. It can be fear or paranoia. You can feel like the timing is off (you’re either falling too fast or things are progressing too slowly for you). You may experience anxiety (because you’ve never felt this way before).
  2. The person gets a nod from the people you most trust. This can be your parents (especially if they are overly critical of your relationships) or your best friends (who can also be overly critical).
  3. You are more compatible with this person than you’ve ever been with anyone else. Now there is no such thing as the perfect couple, but if you and your partner are compatible on most things (especially the nonnegotiables like religion, politics and gender roles) then you’ve literally found your match.
  4. You’re more willing to resolve conflict and don’t want to walk away. When you’re really emotionally invested in someone and you can’t imagine “breaking up” or “moving on” it can be a sign that the relationship is long term. Please believe that if you’re not with the one then you’re going to bounce faster than a one-hit wonder and something small will be just the excuse you need to make a clean break.
  5. Your facial expressions & the warm gushy feeling at the mention of their name. Your boys ask you “How is ____” and all you can do is blush and gush about your latest conversation or visit. Your man’s name is mentioned and your eyes light up, you giggle. If just the thought of a person makes you glow, then you’re definitely on to something.
  6. You can picture the person in your future. Kind of similar to number 4, but perhaps you start having daydreams about ____ as your husband or wife and can imagine him/her parenting your children. This visualization does not happen unless your heart and mind are willing to go there (do not confuse with sexual fantasies and wet dreams lol).
  7. The bad times are few and far between. You love more than you fight and you have weaved a collection of beautiful memories to ponder in their absence.
  8. You trust the other person with your most valuable possessions. When you can give him/her keys, passwords or even let them care for your children, then you’ve probably found the one. This person has unprecedented access to many areas of your life (including your thoughts and your emotions – perhaps you share secrets that you’ve never shared before and for guys you show an emotional vulnerability that you’ve never shown before).
  9. You enjoy spending time with this person and they are truly your “friend.” You hate when you have to be apart, they are the first person you call when you have news to share and they periodically pop up in your mind throughout the day. Whatever or whoever you spend the majority of your time with/on reflects who/what you love.
  10. You’re willing to do things for this person that you’ve never done before. This could include loaning money, attending a funeral or “couples” event or bailing the person out of jail if they call you. You go help them out if they have a flat tire, call a connect to help them get a job or go out of your way to buy a gift or a present on a special occasion. You’re not likely to push the “ignore” button on a call from them and you’re responsive to most forms of communication (texts, social messaging, emails etc.)

DISCLAIMER: Usually finding “the one” results in a long term commitment (for many marriage). Do not mistake the novelty of a new relationship (when everything looks promising) for finding the one, this is especially true if you experience similar feelings with every new relationship. The key with “the one” is that it’s something new/something different incomparable to anything you’ve felt or experienced before.

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