Originally Posted: November 10, 2009
When men are caught cheating, the first thing they say is “I was JUST EFFING her,” or “it didn’t mean ANYTHING to me baby.” This idea permeates music, “I was just effing them girls/I was gone get right back (Jay-Z in “Song Cry”). It is generally accepted, that it is nearly impossible for women to have sex without some form of an emotional connection (even if that emotional connection is delusional or based on a lie), and men, well, they can “stick and move,” with no strings attached. So I started thinking, “is there really a difference for men between having sex with a woman that they love/care about and a buss down/jump off or acquaintance?” I solicited the opinions of males (promising their anonymity), just to see if my assumptions would prove true.
When I was younger, it was impossible for me to separate emotional attachment and love from sex. I had a self-centered point of view and could only view the world through my estrogen filled eyes. So when I found out that my first love had impregnated another girl “accidentally”, all I could say was “But you SAID you LOVED me!” When he responded, “I DO love you!” I remember being filled with stinging/burning pain and confusion. How could he love me? I called him a liar. Then, when I got a little older, a close friend watched her parents divorce after 25 years of marriage. Her father started having an affair with another woman, and this eventually lead to their divorce. I started noticing how men (in politics for example – like Spritzer & Edwards), were ruining their lives over sex or at least what looked like sex.
In my mind, sex serves a very basic biological function and for lack of better words it feels good for both genders. For men, sex is an act of power and dominance. The “game” of pursuing a woman, and eventually getting sex, builds their confidence. This is especially true if a woman is “difficult” to get (e.g. she’s emotionally connected or involved with someone else, her attention is devoted to her job, etc.) Once a woman (who is not emotionally involved or committed to a guy) is “conquered,” then the game is over for the guy and it’s time for him to move on to the next “conquest.” This game becomes even more important for men who feel some form of inadequacy due to their looks or financial situation. One of my male responders called this “assisted masturbation.” For most guys, the relationship is purely physical and there is absolutely no other connection beyond sex.
Most of my male responders said that emotionally, it’s different when they love a woman. They become more passionate, and it becomes more about mental/intellectual stimulation which transforms the sexual experience. But the actual physical act – one guy said that the climax is the same, it’s the experience of getting there that’s different. Although a guy may be having a strictly physical relationship with a woman, it is difficult for most women to accept or understand that, BECAUSE as women we know, that you’ve made her promise, told her you love her, said god knows what, to get her to have sex with you, and although in guy’s minds, they were just words, to a woman, it means everything. Guys, WE KNOW that nobody (or a very small percentage of women) is going to drop her draws if you tell her, “I just want to screw you, so that I can get back home to my wife & to my family.” OR “Your breasts & your butt is much bigger than my girls, and as soon as this is over, I’m going to call her to tell her how much I love her.” Most women aren’t going for that, and it is that deception (on the guys part) that is problematic.
The ultimate expression of love is sacrifice. Marriage (& commitment to the marriage vows) is a representation of the ultimate sacrifice. Monogamy is a representation of the ultimate sacrifice. For a man to “forsake all others” in order to invest all of his love & attention into one woman is a beautiful, difficult and serious expression of commitment, and one that most women hope for.